Life's a complicated thing. It never will cease to be complicated. You're always going to have to deal with the hassle of making and spending money, keeping a job (Or multiple jobs), building, keeping, breaking relationships. Sometimes, the things you want or need are impossible to have. Sometimes, the things you don't need, you don't realize or don't want. Sometimes, the world slaps you in the face. Other times, you can just be grateful. You can recognize the good. I've had one of the most interesting semesters of my life this past winter semester. First off, I got married. Then, I was in a World Religions course and a Teachings of Isaiah course, in addition to my Psychology classes and a Music class. It was a very culturally enlightening semester. I still don't understand the appeal of modern art or why feminists feel the way they do, or how to counsel troubled children. But I understand a lot more about myself, about the way I interact with the world, and about the woman who I want to become. I think I've come closer this semester to becoming that woman. Through living with a man who I want to spend the rest of my life with and beyond, I've had to look at myself through a new set of eyes, working towards a more patient and loving demeanor. I'm sometimes not a very nice person. I wouldn't want to live with me a lot of the time if I wasn't me. It's been rough. but I'm learning. and my classes this semester have actually helped me learn how to be a better person, both to my husband and to everyone else.
Have you ever looked at the world through a lens totally different than the one you're used to? Have you asked questions, and tried to understand someone else's point of view? I've been doing that a lot lately. Though I don't understand sometimes how people can be as happy as is possible holding the views they have, I understand a lot more about why they have those views, and the reasoning behind their opinions and beliefs.
I've also been talking to my grandfather a lot lately. He is a Catholic, and I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, which he will never ever be ok with. He's devoted much of his life to discrediting the leaders and foundations of my religion. And he usually tells true stories about what's happened in the history of my church. However, he is often misinformed, and because he will never listen with anything like an open mind, he'll never learn the truth of what I believe. I spent a lot of time asking him about his beliefs, and almost every time, he would say a sentence or two about his beliefs and then go on about why I am wrong. It's a hard thing to know that regardless of what you say, your grandfather, a man who should bring joy and love into his grandchildrens' lives, will consistently choose to say that you are totally wrong in your whole system of belief and life. I feel like I've studied things out, and I know the reasons I believe the way I do, and they're pretty valid in my mind. I'm not following blindly, but it feels like he thinks I am. It's just so funny because I am constantly asking him questions, trying to understand him, but he will never even make an effort to understand me. For a little bit, I felt like I was gaining his respect in a small way. But then I said one thing wrong and he shut himself off again. What a sad life to be so unwilling to bend. and so far distanced from everyone you should love and who loves you.
Another thing that happened this semester through my classes and self reflection is the goals I had and the plans I had for my life after college have gone Kaplooey. I realized that I don't want to study children. I love children. I want to play with children and help children. But doing research on them and testing them is not something I'm interested in doing for the rest of my life. I love learning about religions, and about peoples and cultures and motivations. I don't know how much I want to go to graduate school anymore. If I did go to graduate school, I think I would just want to study for the sake of learning. Which is great. but, expensive. If I could grow up and be a scholar and a parent and a teacher and a helper, I'd be fine with that. Maybe I'll just be on the PTA, make sure that the kids in my area have opportunities for good fun. I just don't know anymore. For so long I was so sure of what I wanted to do, the direction I was pointing my life in, and now... I don't know. I've been looking for jobs working with special education kids, I think that would make me really happy. Hopefully I'll get one.
The changes that have happened inside of my mind and self have been kind of huge this year. In the last twelve months, so many things have happened that have totally changed my life, and my outlook on life.
So, as life continues, I keep growing and learning. It's kind of an amazing thing that happens.
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